Psalm 23

   ¹The LORD is my shepherd; I shall not want.
   
   ²He maketh me to lie down in green pastures; He leadeth me beside the still waters.
   
   ³He restoreth my soul; He leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for His name's sake.
   
   ⁴Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil; for Thou art with me; Thy rod and Thy staff, they comfort me.
   
   ⁵Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies; Thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
   
   ⁶Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life; and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever.

A Good Cry

I'm a crier.  Frankly, I wish I had more opportunities to cry.  I think you truly have to feel safe to cry.  Really cry.  Often times, I'm expected to be strong.  I'm the reliable one.  The professional.  But inside, I'd rather be weak.  Not responsible.  Unaccountable.

Sometimes, you have to just let go.  Admit that you're weak, and let someone rescue you.  Lean on the people in your life who want nothing more than to help you.  But how will they ever know, if you don't ask?  We're not meant to live this life alone.  We have to seek and nurture relationships.  Give more than we take.  But also know how to take what is given.  How else can you feel valued? 

I asked for help, and I was rescued.  Then, I cried.
  

Showing Up isn't Enough

I'm a strong believer in giving 100%, pretty much all of the time. 

It's more a measure of effort and willingness, than it is skill or productivity. 

I try not to do things reluctantly. 

I'm that girl.  They talk behind my back, saying "she can do no wrong." 

Here's the thing:  I earned that.  Because I keep my word. 

I don't have to swear or vow or promise.  I just do. 

So when I mess up, I usually get the benefit of the doubt.  That's the perk. 

And I don't think it's an unreasonable expectation to have of others. 

It's not always easy, but the alternative is unacceptable.

I'm blessed to have a partnership with a man who is the most trustworthy, hardworking man I know:

my husband. 

When he says he's going to do something, it's done. 

[It also means he doesn't make too many social commitments.] 

This unwavering character trait we both possess helps us to reinforce each other. 

We know, at the end of the day, we can rely on each other, if on noone else. 

There's great security in that.

Truth

"Bringing enjoyment to God, living for His pleasure, is the first purpose of your life. 

When you fully understand this truth, you will never again have a problem with feeling insignificant. 

It proves your worth. 

If you are that important to God, and He considers you valuable enough to keep with Him for eternity,

what greater significance could you have?"

~The Purpose Driven Life, by Rick Warren.

"The more we let God take us over, the more truly ourselves we become--because He made us."

~C.S. Lewis



Lukewarm

Why am I suprised that some of my closest family members (closest in lineage) don't know I am a Christian?  When I really didn't know, myself?  It's obviously because I hid my light under a basket. 

You are the light of the world--like a city on a hilltop that cannot be hidden. 

No one lights a lamp and then puts in under a basket. 

Instead, a lamp is placed on a stand, where it gives light to everyone in the house. 

~Matthew 5:14-15

I remember, in my junior-high days, my Sunday school teacher asked us,
       "What temperature do you think you should be for Jesus?  Cold, lukewarm, or hot?"   
        Everyone knew the answer wasn't 'cold'.  'Lukewarm', however, sounded comfortable. 
        "Yeah, lukewarm," we answered.  
        "Wrong," she said, "you're supposed to be on fire for God." 

Immersed in His Love

The water was warm.  I didn't wear that silly plastic shower cap. 

I let it all go, and gave it all to Him. 

I was reborn, today, Mother's Day 2011.  

Thank you, Jesus. 

Soulmate

I always have to pull out my calendar to count how much time has passed since I wrote my first entry, April 17, 2011.  Three weeks, tomorrow, the day I'll be baptized. 

My mindset, as I wrote that first entry, was obviously confusion.  My purpose was to research, in hopes of finding guidance.  Answers.  I was going to give Christianity, Buddhism, and Islam a "fair chance" at "winning" me. 

 

Since my son was born, I've had a very strong spiritual connection with God.  I knew that creation was not of this earth, that it could only be achieved supernaturally.  My son was much too perfect.  Perfect for me.  Perfect for my family.

So I needed to set out in search of God.  Intentionally seek Him.  Wherever that would take me.  My life was incomplete without Him.  I thought it would take me years to get through The Bible, Koran, encyclopedias, wikipedia, and whatever else I could use to educate myself.  I really wasn't prepared to be completely swept off my feet by His Grace.  I opened myself up to Him, and He won my heart.  Like love at first sight. 

It's like hearing about that couple who went to school together, never really had a relationship, had the same mutual friends, but hadn't ever noticed one another.  Then, one day, they just hit it off.  And three weeks later, they were married.  Because they knew they were soulmates.  Kind of like that.       

"...seek the Lord your God, and you will find Him

if you seek Him with all your heart and with all your soul."

Deuteronomy 4:29

Jesus was Baptized when He was 30

I opened up the laptop.  Pulled up this page.  Handed it to my husband, and said, "here.  read this.  because i can't talk to you." 

I'll spare you the details.  I poured my heart out, and he listened.  I made him listen.  I didn't let him pretend like he didn't know what was going on.  Like he hadn't noticed how I've been consciously and intentionally choosing my words and actions to breathe life into our marriage and our home.

"if it means that much to you, you can take Cooper to church with you," he said.

I added, "oh, yeah, and i'm getting baptized on Sunday."

What am I so afraid of?

"Such love has no fear, because perfect love expels all fear. 

If we are afraid, it is for fear of punishment,

and this shows that we have not fully experienced His perfect love. 

We love each other because He loved us first."

~1 John 4:18-19

Mission to {more than} Clean

31 Days to Clean--Mission Statement:

A clean house gives my family freedom from stress, nagging, allergens, and hazards.
A clean house creates an atmosphere of peace, accompanied by good moods.
A clean house provides the opportunity to nurture relationships.
A clean house inspires us to accomplish other {important, life-giving} things.
A clean house is what my family deserves.

Kicking off 31 Days to Clean: Having a Martha House the Mary Way, by Sarah Mae.

Finding support here: joyfulmothering.net

April 30, 2011: the stage is set.

All I know is, when you *really* believe, God moves on your behalf.  I KNOW it's Him, because what has happened in the last month, or so, is not my doing.  His Grace is sufficient.  He put the words in my mouth.  He gave me the courage. 

When it comes to talking to my husband about religion/church, I get scared.  I mean fear palpitates in my heart.  The devil lurks in the shadows, and tells me I'll never get through to him.  That my son will grow up as a lost soul.  But the devil is a toothless monster. He has no power in my realm. 

So I casually, purposefully use "life-giving words" in conversations over current events, business, and life in general... "God", "Grace", "Mercy", "Blessings", "Gratitude", "Prayer".... and the stage is set.  The Holy Spirit is in our presence, now, because I have saved a seat.  and God goes to work.  In me.  On me.  Through me.  And lives will be changed forever.

April 24, 2011: my 'ah ha' moment

I rededicated my life to The Lord, today.  Even though, before I left, this Easter Sunday morning, I said to myself....when they call people to the alter, DON'T stand up.  And, I didn't. (At first.)  When Pastor said, "on the count of three.  One...two...THREE!" 

I stood my ground, as tears flowed down both of my cheeks.  I clapped for those who were brave enough to stand up.  Pastor continued, "the voice you hear inside your heart is the Holy Spirit; don't let the devil talk you out of it.  Hell is full of people who thought they would have another opportunity."

My friend hears me sob.  She whispers, "I'll go with you, if you want me to."

Pastor continued...everything he had said that morning was FOR ME.  The doubt and confusion I had felt, in days and weeks prior, had vanished.  "Jesus did not come to condemn the world.  He came to bring us conviction.". It was my 'ah ha' moment.  I get it.  What was once cloudy, now was clear.

The Holy Spirit took my breath away as Pastor continued to call people forward.  "but I'm already saved," I thought to myself.  Then why am I SOBBING?  Why was I out of breath?  Because I needed to let go.  I needed to let Him take over. 

So, I stood up. 

April 23, 2011: Good Friday, indeed.

My faith has been strengthened. 

I can imagine my future-self thinking back to Easter Weekend 2011, and saying, "that was a major turning point in my life." 

And, my friend Eryn was right there holding my hand. 

April 20, 2011: Unworthy

The closest thing I know to witnessing God's works occurs within my MOPS group.  These women are faithful, God-fearing, servants of humanity.  I aspire to do and speak as they do. 

Often times, I feel unworthy of these relationships.  These are Godly women.  I am just a First Generation Christian.  Who am I to mentor?  To lead?  Among this group of warriors. 

Then I read this passage in Lisa Bevere's book, Nurture, "I prayed, 'Father, what portion could I possibly bring to this table?' {and, He answered} 'Tell My daughters I am looking for something more. I am not looking for mentors...I am looking for mothers.'"

Yes.  I can be a mother.  I can be a Sister.

April 17, 2011: I need answers

I believe in God.  Which God?  Well, that's the thing...I believe there is ONE God; I'm not sure how that fits in with all of these religions.  Does it have to be all or nothing?  Does it have to be a "zero-sum" game?  Black and white?  I think most people say "yes, it does."

All I have, right now, is a long list of questions. 

My parents and my grandparents are Buddhist.  My husband's family is Muslim.  I am Christian.  At least  I think I am.  But I'm not sure I have enough conviction to be Christian.  "Faith" is a word that is used to accept the unknown, the unexplainable.  But I'm wired to want to know "why". 

How can I follow a religion that claims not be judgmental, but only accepts their religion's ways?  Its beliefs?  One that judges the entire world's people?  How can I follow a religion that says my parents, my grandparents, my husband, and his entire family are all going to hell?  I want to know "how".

Am I a hypocrite?  A fake?  Probably.  But I need to know more.  I don't want to live my life misrepresenting my true beliefs.  I need a religion that is accepting of ALL.  That believes in doing good.  In striving to do the right thing.  That empowers both sexes.  That I can follow whole-heartedly.  That I can believe.  That I can be proud to teach to my son.